


If I Die Trying

by BlazersEtc



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Based on the song 'How' by Maroon 5, Basically Jace realizing he loves Alec too, But Alec is happy with Magnus, Lots of pain and angst and more pain, No HEA for Jace just a warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 17:59:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/pseuds/BlazersEtc
Summary: Jace realized that he's in love with his parabatai, but it's too late for him to do anything about it. So he watches Alec fall deeper in love until he's forced to make the ultimate sacrifice for the one he loves. This fic follows Season 2 canon until the last bit, which I re-wrote from the books.





	If I Die Trying

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short drabble for tumblr but I got carried away. Oops? It's not as detailed as most of my writing, mostly because this was supposed to be a drabble, so apologies in advance.

_And I never thought about you much_  
_Til I'm broken down and all alone, ohhh_  
_Though I don't understand the meaning of love_  
_I do not mind if I die trying, ohhh_  
_Took it for granted when you lifted me up_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
It's not until Alec has died in his arms that Jace realizes his mistake. The light inside the Parabatai stone has gone out, the heartbeat like noise it once carried has fallen silent and so has Alec's breathing.  Jace feels like he's being ripped in half slowly and painfully.  This wasn't supposed to happen, Alec wasn't supposed to die-especially not for him.  Flashes of memories with Alec were running through his mind at a million miles an hour: their parabatai ceremony, the nights Alec has stayed by his side when nightmares plagued him, Jace's first time sneaking back into the institute while Alec covered for him, their deep shared conversations late at night while the others slept, their missions together, their trips to the pizza place just a few blocks over when Alec needed a break, and every up and down in between.   Jace knew that he'd feel pain when Alec died, he'd heard the stories, seen the after math with other parabatai's but what he hadn't expected was the realization that hit him full force in the chest.  Jace loved Alec Lightwood.

  
The power of the revelation took him off guard, hitting him like a freight train and Jace felt like he couldn't breathe.  The realization too little too late and now Alec was gone and would never know how he felt, all because of some stupid mission to save Jace.  A rough breath scared Jace out of his spiraling grief and suddenly Alec was speaking, eyes fluttering open, confusion written on his features and in that moment Jace couldn't have been happier.  He held Alec to him, clinging to the one thing he loved more than anything else and sobbed.  Alec was alive.

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 _I'm asking for your help_  
_I am going_ through _hell_  
_Afraid nothing can save_ me but the _sound of your voice_  
_You cut out all the noise_

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Jace had kept his revelation to himself following his arrest.  The world was upside-down right now and a confession of forbidden love wasn't exactly something Alec needed-especially when he and Magnus had grown so close.  He forced the feelings down, focusing instead on Valentine and the soul sword; putting his energy into trying to fix what Valentine had broken.  He had expected the sword to backfire, to hurt the very people he was trying to save. 

  
Jace wasn't sure how he found himself on the roof, only that he was there now and crying for the first time since he was a little boy.  Everything was going so horribly wrong, the soul sword was missing after he nearly murdered the Downworld, Valentine was still controlling them, he had lost the only blood family he had, and Alec was happy with Magnus.  Jace was used to pressing unpleasant things down, but so much of it had added up and now he couldn't control the tears that were flowing freely down his face as he stared down at the city below.  He was cold and tired and he just wanted the never ending pain to end. 

  
Jace heard Alec step onto the roof, and he immediately began to try and compartmentalize, to hide his tears before Alec could get to him; but it was no use.  Jace couldn't stop the tears from continuing their downpour and when Alec asked him what was wrong Jace hung his head for only a moment before he turned to look at Alec, showing his parabatai the most vulnerable and broken side of himself.

  
He sobbed as he was gathered into Alec's arms and suddenly everything was a little easier.  His parabatai wasn't pushing him away, he was accepting him, flaws, mistakes and all.  Everything still hurt, he felt like he was drowning, but now he had someone to keep him floating, to hold his head above water, and Jace melted into the touch.

  
_I love you._

  
_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

  
_Why must we be so ugly_  
_And please do not think ill of me_  
_Why does the one you love_  
_Become the one who makes you want to cry_

  
_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

  
Jace comes back to the loft, tired and exhausted and wanting to sleep for several days.  He's spent the night trying to clear Alec from his head, going home with a fairy boy that bared a close resemblance to Alec; Tall, hazel eyes and dark haired, but he hadn't been Alec. The boy didn't share Alec's snark or that sparkle in his eyes when he was teasing or the bond that Jace and Alec held so dearly, and in the end Jace felt worse after he left than he had before he'd gone up to the man.

  
Jace decides on his long walk back to the loft that he needs to tell Alec everything, he needs to come clean about his feelings, because even if they mean nothing, even if they don't change anything, he owes it to Alec to not keep things from him-and he owes it to himself to be able to move on.

  
When Jace drops his leather jacket over the couch he hears a moan and freezes; Alec.  At first, he thinks his parabatai might be hurt but then he realizes he's not felt any pain through the bond, in fact he's been a little horny since he left the Fay's house-and that's when reality hits Jace square in the face.

  
He picks up his jacket again, hastily tugging it on as he rushes out the door to give Alec and Magnus their space as tears form in his eyes.

_I love you._

  
_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

  
_But I don't understand the meaning of love_  
_I do not mind if I die trying_

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
Jace knows heartbreak.  He knows the familiar feeling of loss, of feeling like you're not enough, the emotional pain so strong it feels physical-and this time it's not coming from him.   Jace finds Alec curled up in a ball in his room, arms wrapped around his knees and head tucked into them, his entire body is shaking and Jace locks the door behind him before he crouches at his parabatai's side and pulls him into his arms.

  
"He's gone, Jace. I'm too much for him."

  
Jace simply holds Alec tighter and lets him cry into his shoulder, his hands running through Alec's hair as he tries to comfort his other half.

  
"He doesn't know what he's giving up."

Jace wants to tell Alec how special he is and how much Jace loves him, but now is not the time for confessions, so Jace holds his parabatai and soothes him until he's exhausted himself enough to sleep. 

  
_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

  
_I do not mind if I die trying_

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
"Jace! No! You can't!" Alec is almost hysterical, the only thing keeping him from running forward to physically remove Jace from his place is the red ropes of magic swirling around his body.

  
Jace gave Alec a watery smile from his place on the pedestal, his heart breaking all over again as he tries to prepare himself for what he's about to do.

 "It's the only way, Alec. It's either me or him. I'm not going to make you choose. Losing your parabatai will hurt but you can recover, just like Luke. "

  
The demon clapped gleefully, soaking in every ounce of pain being felt by the three being around him, pain from the conditions of their release: A life.

  
"No! Jace! There...there has to be another way." Alec's voice broke, looking at Jace like he was dying inside-and Jace knew from experience that he was.

  
"Take care of him." Jace turned to Magnus, "He's going to be a mess after this, but he'll get through it with you there to help him."

 

"I will love him until his last breath," Magnus promised, giving Jace a sad smile. "I won't let him stop living."

  
"Jace!" Alec was almost hysterical now, looking desperately at his parabatai, tear slipping down his cheeks as he fought against the magical ropes. 

  
Jace turned back to Alec, tears slipping down his face, "I love you Alec. I...I love you. Not just as my parabatai. I've been in love with you and...I didn't tell you because I didn't want to be selfish. I wanted you to be happy without having to worry about something else.  I know I'm being selfish now by telling you this but I couldn't die without you knowing the truth. Without knowing that I loved you the same way you used to love me."

  
Alec sobbed, struggling against his bonds. "Jace-"

  
"I know, Alec." Jace smiled sadly at his parabatai. "If ought but death part thee and me." Jace's voice was soft and Alec stopped his struggling against the bonds, knowing that he was helpless to stop what was about to happen.  "It ought but death part three and me. Ave atque vale, Jace. I...I love you, parabatai."

 "It ought but death part three and me." Alec whispered, his voice breaking as he looked at his parabatai. "Ave atque vale, Jace.  I...I love you, parabatai. In every way."

  
Jace nodded, sending Alec a surge of warmth and love through their bond, using his last moments to try and give Alec what he could. "Do it." He urged the demon, keeping his gaze locked on Alec, needing him to be the last thing he saw in this life.  The bond was pulsing his strength and love to Alec as the Demon moved closer, placing his hand on Jace's head.  The red light was blinding and when Jace opened his eyes again, he knew he was no longer alive.

 

 

 

 


End file.
